Susan

I’m so affected by the actions of my mother.

I’m a grown woman now and my mother had an affair with a man who became my stepfather. When I was about 11 my Nanna – who I was close to – showed me some pictures of a man and said that’s your dad! I was rather confused as I thought the man I called dad was my REAL dad, so imagine my shock to find out he wasn’t! She then rang my mother and told her she had told me all about my real dad!!

That weekend I went home full of questions. Of course I was told nothing but lies – how my dad was a drunk and used to beat her up, and how he NEVER wanted me, and never loved me, and that my stepdad had adopted me.

The years passed and I grew up trying to understand what I had done to my dad for him to hate me, thinking maybe that’s why he was horrible to my mum. Over time I tried to asked my mum about my dad but all I ever got was, ‘Forget about him – he never loved you.’ more

When I was about 19 I asked my mother for my birth certificate. She said that she had given it to me years before – which she hadn’t – so I applied for a copy and was told that because I’d been adopted by my stepfather I wouldn’t receive a full one. If, however, I hadn’t been, then I would receive the full one. Imagine my surprise when a week or so later, I received a FULL one! I got straight on the phone to my mother who then said, ‘Well, I changed your name to that of your stepdad’s.’ Imagine the hurt then – my own mum had lied. I never felt loved by my stepdad and this was another thing I had to deal with.

Anyway, years passed and now and again I would ask my mother about my dad and it was always the same answer – he never loved you. As a grown up, I tried to accept this although I was always curious about my dad. Over time I tried to find out details to trace my dad but always drew a blank and mother was never forthcoming with information about him.

In 2004 I decided once more to try and find my dad, even contacting the Jeremy Kyle show as well as other avenues – one being the Salvation Army family tracing service.

A few weeks later I got a letter from them. Unfortunately, my dad had passed away in 1990 of a heart attack aged 55. I couldn’t put into words how upset I was. I rang my sister who was as sad as me but said we have our stepdad – but I wanted OUR dad. My sister was close to the stepdad who saw all 5 of his daughters from his previous marriage even though I was denied seeing MY dad!!!

In 2010 the most shocking thing happened – I lost my only sister aged 48 from a brain haemorrhage. more

I wasn’t told of her death as my mother said it had nothing to do with me (we hadn’t talked for several years since I got pregnant, aged 40). She always said I would look after her forever. She even told my now ex-husband she would stop our wedding??? Anyway, a family friend rang and told me the shocking news but asked me to stay away. NO chance of that.

At the wake my mother couldn’t meet my eye but this woman kept staring at me. A few hours passed and mother left and my brother-in-law came over with the woman who had been looking at me. He introduced her as my cousin, to which I replied, ‘I don’t have a cousin!’ – my mother had told me that dad had NO other family. ‘She’s your cousin …’

Then the truth comes out. MY dad was a wonderful man who DID love me and my sister so much and missed us. He wasn’t a drunk and neither did he beat my mother up.

So I’ve been robbed of a truly wonderful dad who I never got to meet.

At Xmas my ex-husband passed a message on that after nearly 8 years my mother wants to meet up with me and my daughter. At that time I thought it would be great but as we are now nearly at the end of Feb and no more contact has been made, I’m wondering if she now wants to play mind games with me. I can’t go through that anymore so I’ve decided NO.

That’s why I’m so passionate about parent alienation and the effect it has on the child forever. I promote a great relationship between my ex and OUR daughter and it shows.

He is as important to her as I am.

Susan